What do I get when harness my wandering attention span sans diagnosis, sans medication, and sans treatment of a frustratingly apparent learning disorder?  And, what do I get when I study harder and work longer than most studious teens to develop a multitude of personal coping skills which allow me to maintain a position among the best?

It's "Stop!"  "Your time is up!"  in a most important aspect of aspect of life for a high school senior--the standardized test of the college admissions process.  Those five dreaded words sound an especial toll for students like me who truly suffer from what has been unfortunately termed as the disorder du jour.  Those same words are even more intimidating to me because I, at this writing, am unofficially diagnosed, and no provisions have been made for me.  As a result, I never get to demonstrate what I truly know, unlike some students who do not know the correct answers and are still struggling for time to mark the letters to the answers that I know are right.  Furthermore, the anticipation that I will not have enough time to finish my test before the ending alarm is sounded makes for an even more excruciatingly anxiety ridden session.  Speed is definitely not my mantle when the pressure is on me to focus consistently.  As a result my grades and class rank ar far less that they should be (3.9+); my test scores are definitely less than they should be; and I am put in the awkward position of having to explain my status.

Oh, I've screamed (a lot lately) but just as the legendary Roman Princess Philomel had the gift of prophecy to which no one would listen, I, too, have been unable to get the help I need in time to make a difference.  I am quiet.  I am a female.  I am a naturalized citizen.  I make A's.  It matters little that I am not making the kinds of A's that I feel I am capable of with a little time adjustment on assignments, school exams, and standardized tests.

As I alluded to at the beginning of this essay, perhaps I have, ironically, become the victim of my own "success."  When I finally figured out that the "thing" that was wrong with me (through viewing a television documentary, reading periodicals and reviewing teacher comments from my early school reports)  actually has a name;  and when I finally convinced my parents that I have not been deliberately  slow moving, absent minded, messy at times, spacey and definitely unorganized, school for me is almost over.  My parents have now developed a different problem:  they do not want me "labeled" if I am diagnosed ADD.  My diagnostician is reluctant, too, explaining that sometimes such a diagnosis may come back to "bite you."  "Besides," she drawled after administering profiles only, "you handle soooo much."  Mind you, she came to this conclusion without administering any tests of comprehension, memory or problem-solving skills.  "I read your articles (I am a student writer for a national magazine), and you did well in the Westinghouse Scholars competition.

WHEN WILL MOST TEACHERS, COUNSELORS AND EVEN DIAGNOSTICIANS LEARN THAT THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF ADD?  WHEN WILL THEY LEARN THAT REALLY CURRENT RESEARCH SHOWS THAT THE ONE ADHD HYPERACTIVE TYPE THAT AFFECTS MOSTLY MAKES HAS A COUNTERPART OF WHICH THE MAJORITY IS FEMALE--QUIET, SHY FEMALES LIKE ME.  IT IS CALLED ADD PREDOMINANTLY INATTENTIVE.

To continue the story, I have another session scheduled with the diagnostician, this time to (at least) get one of the exams that is required to make a diagnosis.  If I am determined to be more than "mildly ADD" as she has already decided and planned to write up in her report on me, I have an obligation and a mission to help others who, too, have suffered years of "abuse" without a clue and without the help that they need.  (According to my own personal research results, the predominantly inattentive type of ADD that is gaining attention typically goes undiagnosed because the symptoms--not the effects--are so subtle.)

In the meantime, undiagnosed or long-time coming, a positive side as to how my own ADD condition has affected my life does exist.

I  know things, how to do things, a lot of things.  A cursory glance at my attached résumé will show a staggering amount of accomplishments, despite my condition.  Motivation for competency and a productively fulfilling future has always been my driving force.  I have learned to adapt to many different situations.  I take tape recorders to school, get up earlier, go to bed later, make and post multiple copies of important information, plant keys in various places, and carry a cluttered (smile) briefcase to school for better organization.

Instead of considering my ADD a curse only (excepting standardized and some classroom testing time limitations), I sometimes view it as a blessing.)  In my distractions or distracting periods, I dream of what seems to be challenging, daring or even "the impossible."  I wonder, in my daydreams, what it would be like to take four different languages at the same time and maintain a high average in all of them, or to use my natural musical abilities to take lessons in and win awards on three different instruments (cello, guitar and bassoon), or to be in movies with Sharon Stone, or to live a year in Russia on a foreign exchange mission, or to work hard to extablish a fund to make a huge difference in the life of one little handicapped girl.  Since the early days of my youth, these "daydreams" from being ADD have helped me to be imaginative, creative, and intrigued enough to make them reality.  I adamantly believe that had I been focused on the moment, that none of these things would have really happened...My ADD has ironically, but not without pain, allowed me to busy myself with a challenging life and to broaden my horizon.
 
 
 
 
 
 

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