Not Without My Daughter
Teacher Commentary Sample Two
This ninth grade student writer has succeeded in engaging the audience with a provocative attention-getting opening sentence. In addition, he has chosen an appropriate concessions lead to begin his second paragraph and to support that lead with pertinent facts, details and examples. He has struck out on his own to present in sentence by sentence an assertion and a refutation cycle which supports his theme. The last sentence ends his concessions in strong support of his thesis.
This student's writing flows surprisingly fluently, only halted by an occasional unnecessary shift in verb tense.
His arguments are sound and his prose surface error free. His language is rich and his argument logical in support of the thesis whether or not one including himself agrees entirely with that thesis.
If writing is the primary vehicle for thought, this student as achieved that goal by transcending his current culture to view a different perspective and the reasons for that perspective.
Note: This essay was written before September 11, 2001.